September 18, 2012
A SLATE-COLORED JUNCO'S VISIT.....
THE CLOCK IS TICKIN'.......GOD HAS FREELY GIVEN US ALL THINGS TO ENJOY.......HERE ARE SOME OF OUR "ENJOYABLES".... AS THE DAYS GO BY.......drdickchristen@gmail.com
A PIC O' DICK
FUN THOUGHTS....
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A TIGHTWAD IT? He keeps a $10 bill folded so long in his pocket that Hamilton gets ingrown whiskers......He takes up singing lessons because the scale begins and ends with "do"........He'd give you the sleeve out of his vest.....When he pays you a compliment he asks for a receipt.......He clasps his hands so tightly during prayer that he can't unfold them when the offering plate comes around.....He orders asparagus and leaves the waitress the tips......His motto is "Money doesn't grow on 'sprees'......
JEANNE: Mom, I got a hundred in school today! MOM: Good job! What did you get a hundred in? JEANNE: In two things. I got a forty in math and a sixty in spelling. WHERE is the safest place to keep money in America? In the Outer Banks.....N. Corolina.....
IF MONEY grew on trees where would you keep it? In branch banks, of course.
MAYBE machines are taking over the world. This morning I found a sign on our computer. it says: TO ERR IS HUMAN.
AN EFFICIENCY EXPERT died and on the way to the grave, raised the lid of the coffin and said: "If you will put wheels on this box you can lay off four men."
A YOUNG CHILD walked up to her mother and stared at her hair.. As her mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and asked, "Why do you have some gray hairs?" The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get a strand of gray hair." The mother returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mom?" she said. "Yes?" her mother answered. "Why is Grandma's hair all gray?"
IT IS TRULY SAID that children brighten a home. They never turn off the lights.
A HUSBAND, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study that indicated that men use on the average only fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand words a day. "Well," she replied, "that's because women have to repeat everything they say when they're talking to men." "What?" he said.
TWO ANTENNAE decided one day to get married. The wedding wasn't that good, but the reception was great! (groan)
CHRISTMAS is such an exciting time. Kids are asking for toys and games and bikes and Santa Claus is going, "Ho! Ho! HO! Ho!" And fathers are looking at the price tags and saying "How? HOW? HOW?" HERE IT IS October when the leaves are turning yellow....and the teachers aren't too confident either.
TWO KIDS went into their parents' bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner. "Whatever you do," said one youngster to the other, "don't step on it!" "Why not?" asked the other sibling. "Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful loud scream."
I HAVE ONE OF THOSE DOCTORS who doesn't take anything seriously. One time I went to see him with chills and fever. I said, "What would you call this?" He said, "Do you want the technical name?" I said, "Of course I want the technical name." He said, "SHAKE AND BAKE." (groan)
I LOOKED UP TONIGHT'S TV programs in the newspaper. Under BEST BET they listed the OFF button.
SPRING is God's way of saying: "One more time!"
HOW do you make anti-freeze? Answer: "Steal her blanket."
AULD LANG SYNE is a traditional Scottish song, customarily sung on New Year's Eve; the title means "Time Long Past." The words were handed down orally until 18th centruy poet Robert Burns wrote them down. The song begins: Should auld (old) acquaintance be forgot/And never brought to mind?/Should auld acquaintance be forgot/And auld lang syne?
NICHOLAS - A Greek bishop of the fourth century, known to most Christians as Saint Nicholas. Santa Claus is an English version of his Dutch name, Sinter Klaas. Legends about Nicholas, stating that he made presents in secret to persons in trouble, contributed to the traditions surrounding Santa Claus.
"HERE'S A KING," announced our three-year-old as he unwrapped a figurine from our Nativity scene. "And here's a donkey," he added as he continued unpacking. Removing tissue from the statue of the infant, molded permanently in his manger, our son exclaimed, "Here's baby Jesus in his car seat!"
AN INTOXICATED FELLOW staggered out of the hotel, walked up to a man in uniform and said, "Call me a cab." "I beg your pardon," said the man in uniform, "I happen to be an Admiral in the United States Navy." "All right then, Admiral, call me a boat."
THE NEW PREACHER, at his first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached he drank, until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "But he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
A FARMER drove his team of mules into town and was very late returning home. "What took you so long?" asked his wife. "Well," the farmer explained, "on the way I had to pick up the preacher, and from there on, them mules of ours didn't understand one word I said."
THE ENGLISH PROFESSOR at school, over and over again, emphasized the importance of developing an extensive vocabulary. "You have my assurance," he told his class, "that if you repeat a word eight or ten times, it will be yours for life." In the rear row, an attractive co-ed sighed, and closing her blue eyes, muttered softly to herself, "Steve...Steve...Steve..."
THE WOULD-BE SINGER was quite proud of the fact that someone told him he had a mellow voice. Then he found the definition of the word "mellow" in the dictionary; it read - "over-ripe and almost rotten."
"I HAD AN OPERATION and the doctor left a sponge in me." "Got any pain?" "No, but, boy, do I ever get thirsty."
SAM: "Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?" Pete: "So that if someone makes a mistake no one will know who did it."
A LITTLE GIRL, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. as she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late.....But please don't shove me either."
A LADY was approached by a beggar. He said, "I haven't eaten for six days." The lady said, "Oh, if I had your will power."
THE ANGLER was exasperated with a fellow who sat by watching him. Finally, he could stand it no longer. "You've been watching me for three hours. Why don't you try fishing yourself? he asked testily. "I ain't got the patience," replied the onlooker, as he continued to just sit and stare.
A MAN was asked to lead the congregational singing. "I can't do it," he replied. "The last time I tried, the piano player said she played on all the black keys - and on all the white keys - and I still sang in the cracks."
A SPOKESPERSON for the U.S. Mint announced that a new twenty-five cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin, you can simply call 'Teds' or Hales.'"
WHY do surgeons wear masks during an operation? So, that if any mistake is made, no one will know who did it. hahahaha
A MAN arrived at the emergency room with both of his ears badly burned. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang, and I answered the iron by mistake," explained the man. "Well, what about the other ear?" the doctor inquired. "Oh, - - that happened when I called for the ambulance." hahahahahaha
HOW do you make anti-freeze? Answer: "Steal her blanket."
AULD LANG SYNE is a traditional Scottish song, customarily sung on New Year's Eve; the title means "Time Long Past." The words were handed down orally until 18th centruy poet Robert Burns wrote them down. The song begins: Should auld (old) acquaintance be forgot/And never brought to mind?/Should auld acquaintance be forgot/And auld lang syne?
NICHOLAS - A Greek bishop of the fourth century, known to most Christians as Saint Nicholas. Santa Claus is an English version of his Dutch name, Sinter Klaas. Legends about Nicholas, stating that he made presents in secret to persons in trouble, contributed to the traditions surrounding Santa Claus.
"HERE'S A KING," announced our three-year-old as he unwrapped a figurine from our Nativity scene. "And here's a donkey," he added as he continued unpacking. Removing tissue from the statue of the infant, molded permanently in his manger, our son exclaimed, "Here's baby Jesus in his car seat!"
AN INTOXICATED FELLOW staggered out of the hotel, walked up to a man in uniform and said, "Call me a cab." "I beg your pardon," said the man in uniform, "I happen to be an Admiral in the United States Navy." "All right then, Admiral, call me a boat."
THE NEW PREACHER, at his first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached he drank, until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "But he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
A FARMER drove his team of mules into town and was very late returning home. "What took you so long?" asked his wife. "Well," the farmer explained, "on the way I had to pick up the preacher, and from there on, them mules of ours didn't understand one word I said."
THE ENGLISH PROFESSOR at school, over and over again, emphasized the importance of developing an extensive vocabulary. "You have my assurance," he told his class, "that if you repeat a word eight or ten times, it will be yours for life." In the rear row, an attractive co-ed sighed, and closing her blue eyes, muttered softly to herself, "Steve...Steve...Steve..."
THE WOULD-BE SINGER was quite proud of the fact that someone told him he had a mellow voice. Then he found the definition of the word "mellow" in the dictionary; it read - "over-ripe and almost rotten."
"I HAD AN OPERATION and the doctor left a sponge in me." "Got any pain?" "No, but, boy, do I ever get thirsty."
SAM: "Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?" Pete: "So that if someone makes a mistake no one will know who did it."
A LITTLE GIRL, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. as she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late.....But please don't shove me either."
A LADY was approached by a beggar. He said, "I haven't eaten for six days." The lady said, "Oh, if I had your will power."
THE ANGLER was exasperated with a fellow who sat by watching him. Finally, he could stand it no longer. "You've been watching me for three hours. Why don't you try fishing yourself? he asked testily. "I ain't got the patience," replied the onlooker, as he continued to just sit and stare.
A MAN was asked to lead the congregational singing. "I can't do it," he replied. "The last time I tried, the piano player said she played on all the black keys - and on all the white keys - and I still sang in the cracks."
A SPOKESPERSON for the U.S. Mint announced that a new twenty-five cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin, you can simply call 'Teds' or Hales.'"
WHY do surgeons wear masks during an operation? So, that if any mistake is made, no one will know who did it. hahahaha
A MAN arrived at the emergency room with both of his ears badly burned. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang, and I answered the iron by mistake," explained the man. "Well, what about the other ear?" the doctor inquired. "Oh, - - that happened when I called for the ambulance." hahahahahaha